Listening to the stories of human trafficking survivors provides an invaluable glimpse into the horrors of modern day slavery. In this interview, Stop Modern Day Slavery founder Rachel speaks with Kimberly Bitz, a survivor of human trafficking and domestic violence.
Hi, Kimberly! Thank you so much for agreeing to share your story with Stop Modern Day Slavery’s readers. I know it can be difficult to open up on such a sensitive topic.
Thank you again for taking the time to do this. I feel truly honored.
Of course! To begin, I wanted to have you explain your experience in human trafficking before diving into the questions.
I think it’s important for me to start by saying that my journey with having been sex trafficked might not look like everyone else’s and that’s okay. I wasn’t quite 14 when I was introduced to my trafficker. I remember meeting him and thinking he was cute. He was 18 at the time which made him that much more appealing to me. Here was this older guy who was interested in me. There was a lot going on in my life at that time. I was still getting used to living in a new city and my grandma had just passed away from cancer. My mom was a single parent who had to work two jobs to support us and make ends meet, and she was dating a guy who lived a few hours away. When I met my now-ex, I was lonely and craving love and attention. I thought things were great between us until our first fight where he ended up hitting me. I remember thinking how wrong it was, but at the same time justifying it. The next day he showed up with flowers, crying about how he never meant to hurt me. And then he said the three words I was craving to hear: “I love you.” Things went back to normal for a short time, until another argument, which led to another hit. By that point, I had convinced myself that he loved me. I remember him telling me on multiple occasions that he hit me because he loved me, and this was the only way that I would learn.
As the months went on, the abuse became more frequent. It was no longer just physical; it was emotional and mental. He controlled everything I did from who I could talk to, to what I ate, to what I wore. He’d watch me as I showered to make sure I was doing it correctly. At one point, he had me stand in front of a full-length mirror in just my undergarments, as I watched him take a black marker going over every part of me that he thought I needed to change. He would tell me that I was too fat but when I’d lose some weight, he would say I was too skinny. Nothing I ever did was good enough.
He started raping me not long into the relationship. He convinced me that I wanted it even though I didn’t. And at the same time, I had convinced myself that it wasn’t rape because he was my boyfriend. I had gotten so used to it that I knew the look in his eyes when he wanted it, so I’d go into my room and wait. He would tie me down, so he didn’t have to worry about me fighting back. I learned early on that if I cried, he would hit me harder. So, I trained myself not to cry.
After weeks of him raping me, he brought up in conversation that he had told his friend that I would have sex with him because he was a virgin. It was weird to me, but I knew that saying no would have consequences, so I agreed. I still remember that first time and the way he smelled. Soon after, he told me that he had another friend. Before I knew it, there was a roster of men. It was my job to know exactly how to please each guy that came to my bed. He had me watch porn to learn moves. He told me the more I knew, the more clients I would have. I had a lot of regulars but of course, there were always new guys that would show up. While I was being trafficked, I was forced to have sex with over 200 guys ranging in ages from 16-70, as well as still being forced to have sex with my boyfriend.
He had broken me down with months of abuse. I had learned early on in the relationship what would happen if I said no to something. It was so ingrained in me that the reason he beat and raped me was because he loved me. So, when it came to selling me, he knew that he could get away with it because I knew that I couldn’t say no.
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing that with us. So, you mentioned that your mother worked two jobs and had a boyfriend far way. Do you think your mother’s busy schedule played a part in your being trafficked? Would this situation have played out differently with her around?
I love my mother dearly, and I know that being a single parent was incredibly hard. She was trying to navigate supporting us while also trying to have a love life of her own. Between her working two jobs and dating a guy who she could only see every other weekend, it left me feeling like I had to raise myself. She wasn’t around to see what was happening. And, to be fair, I had become very good at hiding the bruises so she wouldn’t know. I would love to think that if she was more present at that time things would have been different. But to be honest, I think I still would have dated him simply based on the fact that I was needing the love of a man in my life.
That makes sense. I completely understand. When did you realize that your “relationship” was actually human trafficking? And how did your life change once you understood what had really happened to you?
It might sound weird, but I actually had no idea that I was being trafficked while I was in it. I just thought that it was a normal part of my abusive relationship. It wasn’t until December of 2015, almost 13 years after, when the light bulb went off. I remember it almost like it was yesterday. I was sitting in a social justice class I was taking for school, when a guest speaker we had that day, Rebecca Bender, made the comment “most women never realize that they have been trafficked because it happens in their relationship.” I raised my hand and asked her to repeat it. When she did, I thanked her, and told the class that I needed to leave. I sat in my car what felt like hours processing through what she had said. I tell people that I went through the 7 stages of grief all in one sitting.
It took me a few days before I finally reached out to a friend. I felt so much shame around it. It was already hard for me to talk about the abuse I went through in that relationship, but now, it felt like there was this whole other level. Sometimes people don’t know how to respond to extreme pain, and it becomes easy to push those people going through it away. I felt like that could happen to me. But my friend loved on me and encouraged me to talk to our pastor. From there, a community of people came around me and I was able to get the help that I needed to start my healing journey.
Were there any signs of human trafficking that people around you ignored? Who could have noticed something was wrong?
I had become very isolated from my friends at that time. They all knew something was going on because my demeanor had changed, but I think they were all afraid to say something to me or to ask questions. Since then, I have only stayed in contact with two friends from that time. Also, during that time, I went to a local free clinic to get a pregnancy test at one point. They asked if I knew who the father was, and I said no. They brushed it off and told me that it was okay. It didn’t matter to them if I was having sex with someone older. I ended up not saying anything else because I no longer felt safe there.
How were you ultimately able to escape? How was your transition from being trafficked to being free?
There’s a lot to this part of my story that I would like to keep private for the sake of the other people that were involved. There was an incident that happened my sophomore year of high school that involved him becoming so angry at me that he beat me. I ended up going to the hospital. That incident took me away from him and actually ended up protecting me from having to see him again.
I’m so glad you were able to get away. Can you tell me how being trafficked affected your mental health? What have you done to recover from your trauma?
It has been a long painful process. I went through a time where I felt almost crippled by the realization of having been trafficked. It felt like I was afraid to be seen. Before I started getting help, I noticed that I felt guilty when I was having a good day. I kept thinking, I shouldn’t be laughing or be happy, I went through something tragic. It took my counselor and having talked to another girl who had been sex trafficked, giving me permission to allow myself to have good days, that I started to feel like it was okay. It’s been over five and a half years since the realization, and I still struggle. There are certain things that trigger me, like smells or words. I’m learning how to process though things one step and emotion at a time. But these are things that I’ve been working through with both my counselor and my trauma therapist who I see on a regular basis.
Speaking of working through your past, have you had any relationships since your escape?
I’ve been in a few relationships since then. For many years, I found that I only allowed myself to date guys who were abusive in some form, mostly emotionally and mentally. It sounds weird, but at the time it felt safe. It was safe because it was familiar. Since I’ve learned about the trafficking, I have found it hard to date. For the longest time, I felt like I wasn’t deserving of finding love and that it wasn’t fair to bring someone else into my mess. I have struggled mostly because I’m afraid that I will fall in love with someone, and when they find out about my past, they will walk away. So rather than feeling abandoned, I found that it was easier to be single. But I’ve been learning how to work through these fears that I have and put myself out there. For the first time in years, I’m starting to feel hopeful that my past won’t be too much for someone.
I’m so glad to hear that. What do you wish people knew about human trafficking?
I think a lot of people have misconceptions when it comes to human trafficking. I’m sure we have all seen the movie Taken, where the father comes after the men who had taken his daughter while she was traveling with her friend. And while this situation does happen, most of the time it looks completely different. I used to think that in order to be trafficked, it had to look like I was kidnapped. But that wasn’t my story at all. I was in a relationship. Going back to what Rebecca Bender had said, a lot of times people are trafficked because they are in a relationship with their trafficker.
Exactly. I think Taken unfortunately had that effect on a lot of people. Next, what keeps you going in life despite all you have been put through?
Honestly, my relationship with God. It has pulled me through some of my darkest and hardest times through my healing journey. When everything came to light, it would have been very easy for me to blame Him or be mad at what I went through, but I wasn’t. He’s given me the grace to walk through my healing process.
And of course, my family and friends. They are my world. My mom and I now have a close relationship. I have a grandfather who loves me unconditionally. Not to mention I love my sisters and brother and have the most adorable niece and nephew. They are the reason I keep going and refuse to give up.
That is amazing! What advice would you give to someone who thinks they might be in an abusive relationship?
You probably feel like you are alone. That you are afraid to speak up because you think it will be dismissed or that people would think that you are lying. You have probably tried to cope with what is going on to help minimize the pain. But I want you to know that you are not alone. If you feel like you can’t talk or reach out to your loved ones, there are other people that you can reach out to. I know it seems scary. You might be afraid of what life might look like without this person. But you are strong and a fighter. You are not weak because you are in an abusive relationship. It takes a lot of strength to deal with the pain and the emotions that you are dealing with.
I agree one hundred percent. So, you recently started a podcast! Congratulations. Can you tell me about it?
I did! This was something that I’ve been dreaming about for a few years but never had the confidence to do it. It’s called Life UnMasked. I wanted to do a podcast where I could talk about things that I wasn’t really hearing anyone else talk about. I talk about everything from the struggles with online dating, breaking down dysfunctional relationships and toxic relationships, to mental health. I just launched the podcast a few months ago, but it has become a passion of mine. I think because of what I went through, it has led me on this journey of becoming passionate about helping others in having healthy relationships as well as being mentally and emotionally healthy as well. In one of my recent episodes, I open up about my dating anxiety as well as my insecurities being a plus size woman.
Congratulations again on launching your podcast! I’m looking forward to the season one finale. Final question: how can we best advocate against human trafficking? What can the average person do to help eliminate the exploitation of other human beings?
Something that I think is important to address is how porn has advanced sex trafficking. In other words, human trafficking is profiting off of porn addiction. Porn has become socially acceptable, but it’s actually damaging. You pull up a porn site and type in whatever you want to search for and there you will see tons of homemade videos. The victims in these videos are often trafficking victims. Porn is fueling the need to pay for sex. I’m of the firm belief that when we eliminate the need for porn, we are going to see the end of sex trafficking.
But with all of that, I think becoming aware of the exploitation of humans is the best thing that you can do. Do your research. Get involved with organizations who are fighting against it. And don’t be afraid to speak up. Pay attention when you are out, not just be on the look out to protect yourself, but if you see something that doesn’t seem normal or right, then it’s probably not. Call your local police or even the national hotline (1-888-373-7888) to report it. You never know. You could be helping to save someone’s life.
Absolutely. Thank you so much, Kimberly, for sharing your story. I hope it will give others a better understanding of human trafficking. I am looking forward to seeing all you accomplish and keeping up with you through your podcast!
